How to handle a bad day

So. You've woken up feeling awful.

Maybe there's a reason you feel this way. Or maybe there's no reason.

And yet, there are things to do. People to avoid. Plans to wish you hadn't foolishly made in a fit of past optimism.

So then: What do you do with yourself on a day like this?

How bad is it?

There are bad days, and then there are Bad Days.

There are days when my insides feel like they are literally on fire at the mere thought of leaving the house. Then there are days when I simply feel like a crab without its shell — tender, soft, but hopefully capable of getting on with my usual plans.

Once I've assessed how bad this particular bad day is, I'm left with the following question…

Should I push myself? Or take it easy?

Bad days can come out of nowhere. You can be on a good run, out there in the world doing your thing when BAM! all of a sudden one morning you wake up feeling like a slug with self-esteem issues.

This makes it hard to know how to respond to a bad day. Should I just get on with my usual routine, and hope things come right? Or is this heavy, sad feeling trying to tell me I need a break?

Some days you will know, deep down in your guts, that today is a day to clear the decks. To cancel work, if you possibly can, and take the dog to the park.

Or you'll know that no matter how you're feeling, you can't cancel that particular thing, so you'll do it anyway. You'll get changed and drag yourself to work.

And in each of these scenarios, you kind of know what to do. The parameters are clear, at least.

But what about when it's not so clear? On a day like that — not the worst day you've had, but far from the best — there's something I do that you may want to try.

Three big rocks for the day

There's this idea I like from Leo Babauta, whose Zen Habits blog offers simple tips on how to plan your life.

Babauta says that each day you should have "three big rocks". Three things to do that day. If you do these three things, you'll know it's been a productive day.

When things are going OK, bring on those three big rocks!

But some days, like one I had a few weeks back, when I woke up feeling like my guts and heart were one clenched fist, get those big rocks away from me. They are crushing my soul.

Three little rocks

On this particular day, I did something different instead.

Instead of three big rocks, I wrote down three little rocks. Pebbles, really.

Three things that weren't at all what I thought I "should" be doing that day. Three things that had nothing to do with my calendar alerts and self-imposed deadlines.

And most importantly, three things that didn't seem like huge priorities, but still felt meaningful.

My three little rocks for the day were:

1. 1.Call my friend who needed help with something
2. 2.Send my mum a birthday present
3. 3.Do my tax return

(Ok so maybe doing my tax return is more of a boulder than a pebble… but we'll get to that.)

Each of these pebbles still took considerable effort, especially given how I was feeling, but that was kind of the point.

To start with, the phone call was unexpected. My friend texted saying, "If you have a minute, I could use some advice". My inside response was, 'Not today, I AM FEELING THINGS', but for some reason I just called him right back. And I ended up being very helpful.

Encouraged by that exchange, I decided to go find my mum a birthday present, way less last-minute than I usually would.

I picked out a present, and bought a nice card. I spent time writing it out and posted it, all in less than an hour, right in the middle of this pretty bad day. I was genuinely shocked at my ability to be so efficient while still feeling weighed down by lead.

Feeling further encouraged by this unexpected proof that I was, at least for today, a pretty good son, I then decided to sit down and do something I'd been putting off for a month. My tax return.

A tax return? When you're already feeling awful?!

Hear me out. What better day to do something mind-numbingly boring than on a day you already feel crap? Especially when that boring task is one with a clear answer, and a clear and objective end-point. (Unlike almost every other piece of work I ever do.)

Something useful, something kind, and something you've been putting off

As the day wore on, I found myself feeling more and more cheered by these little achievements, even though they had nothing to do with what I woke up thinking I should be doing that day.

And I realised I'd stumbled into something.

My three little rocks fit a pattern of sorts, accidentally designed to gently nudge me out of the 'I'm an awful human' spiral I'd woken up with.

Stated more generically, my three little rocks were:

1. 1.Do something useful (help a friend with something small)
2. 2.Do something kind (send a nice thing to my mum)
3. 3.Do something I'd been putting off (the dreaded tax return)

In turn, each of these small achievements helped gently challenge the internal monologue that's usually running through my head on crappy days like these:

• That I'm not much use to anyone when I feel like this
• That these big feelings are just another sign of how self-obsessed and cut off from humanity I am
• That I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, that I'm wasting my own time

These three little acts didn't directly address the crappy feelings themselves — whatever thing it was that meant I was having such a bad day in the first place. Instead, these three little rocks simply stopped me feeling crap about feeling crap. They formed a little internal blockade between the overwhelming feelings and the judgements that would normally follow those feelings.

I even managed to get some work done later that day, because I was feeling significantly lighter.

When I went to bed that night, I thought over those three little rocks, and felt oddly satisfied.

Try this yourself, next time you're having a pretty awful day

Next time you wake up feeling unexpectedly tender, and you can't decide whether to push yourself or take it easy, why not give it a go and write down:

1. 1.One thing you could do to be useful to another human (or animal or plant)
2. 2.One random act of kindness (to someone else, or to yourself)
3. 3.One thing you've been putting off (make sure it's something you can achieve in less than half a day)

Then do those three things.

They can be big or small. Maybe you have time for grand gestures like handwritten cards. But that act of kindness might instead be a short text message of appreciation. The point is to do something — outside your regular programming.

Graham Panther is a consultant in Australia's mental health system. He runs The Big Feels Club, a global club for people with "big feelings". He co-wrote No Feeling Is Final a new memoir podcast from the ABC Audio Studios about mental health, identity, and why we should stay alive.