A few years ago, Charlotte was at work when the guy she was seeing sent her a text asking what she was up to that afternoon and whether he could come over.
That was all it said. But it was enough to consume the Melburnian's thoughts.
"Without any reasoning, I decided he was going to come over and break up with me," Charlotte says.
She was only halfway through the workday but felt so frazzled she asked to leave.
"[I went home] and was freaking out, getting ready to be broken up with, and then when he came over we literally ended up just hanging out," she says.
Communication that can prompt catastrophising
The 24-year-old has social anxiety, so feels "anxious about [her] interactions with people in general".
Like many young people, phone calls freak her out. But certain texts, emails and missed calls can all trigger anxiety spirals for her too.
It can happen when her messages to friends go unanswered.
"I sent a group message to friends a day after we'd come out of lockdown and asked if anyone wanted to go to the pub the next day and only one person responded," Charlotte says.
"I immediately went into thinking, 'None of them want to hang out with me' … my brain makes up all sorts of stories about how terrible I am."
It happens whenever she gets a random call, too.
"I often get out-of-the-blue [work] calls with a message just saying, 'Call me back' and I'll think I've done something wrong.
"And then it'll just end up being a call about a new client or something."
Why can messages like these be anxiety-inducing?
Psychologist Vi-An Nguyen says vague communication like this can be anxiety-inducing because "the [recipient] hasn't been taken on the journey".
To receive a message like "can we talk" or a missed call with no context, she says "a lot of pre-work has happened … and the recipient would just not be aware of the thinking that's gone into it".
Psychologist Phoebe Lau agrees, explaining this can be heightened for people with anxiety because cognitive distortions like catastrophising are habits.
"Someone without anxiety would likely be slightly worried by [communication] like that but for someone with anxiety, they think about all the worst possible scenarios and outcomes and [become] consumed and overwhelmed by those possibilities.
"Anxious people often also have hesitant or ambivalent feelings towards change. [And] out-of-the-blue [communication] is often a sign that maybe something's going to change," Ms Nguyen adds.
Tips for dealing with it
Charlotte says she knows she shouldn't entertain negative thoughts that enter her mind when she gets messages or calls she wasn't expecting.
If the person who's contacted her is a friend, she often tells them how their communication has made her feel and asks for background information. But in relationship and work contexts, she feels like she can't do this.
"Nobody is responsible for managing another person's anxiety," psychologist Sarah Ashton says.
"Having said that, we can ask for support and care from those around us — it's just important that it's framed in that way."
If you decide you'd like to ask for this from someone, Ms Nguyen recommends seeking a safe, private and neutral space for the conversation.
"Start by asking if they have any feedback or anything they'd like to share about your communication," she suggests.
"Then, even if that person has nothing to share, the space is open for you."
Dr Ashton says you could try saying something like:
"I struggle when there are long periods between communication [for example]. That's my issue, I'm working on it, but in that space my mind tends to jump to the worst-case scenario and I'm wondering if you could signal you've got the message?"
Seeking reassurance can hinder, not help
If you've received a message or a random call that's left you reeling, Dr Lau says you could try asking the person behind it if there's anything you need to be aware of, or to prepare for, before you talk or see each other.
If you're concerned it's an emergency, ask whether it is — but be wary of seeking too much reassurance as "that can be part of reinforcing anxiety", she adds.
If you have anxiety, Dr Ashton and Dr Lau advise doing work beyond asking others to be mindful of the way they communicate and sharing how their texts or calls have impacted you.
"[We often see people] with anxiety think that if the other person would just be extra communicative and always respond on time, or give explanations, [that] would be the solution," Dr Ashton says.
"The solution to your anxiety is you learning to understand and manage it [so you can] regulate yourself in times where there is uncertainty, which is part of life."
Advice for communicating with people — anxious or not
All of that said, Dr Ashton says she'd always recommend considering the timing of texts, calls and emails, getting back to people promptly and thinking about how the words you're using could be received where possible when communicating with others — regardless of what you know or don't know about their mental health.
And if you need to talk about something bad?
In the context of a friendship or relationship, Ms Nguyen recommends framing what you have to say in terms of your feelings.
"You could say, 'I've been feeling this, can we talk about it?'"
Say it's a workplace context instead, where the language might need to be more concise and formal.
"Give as much signalling as you can upfront. You could say [for example], 'Can you let me know when you're free to talk about your performance for the next quarter?'" Ms Nguyen suggests.
"Be honest, but specific so the person knows what's to come."
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